Delaying without action is something that I’ve been struggling with for a long time. Especially being young, convincing yourself that you have time–even, especially, subconsciously–is something that I’m sure is a universal experience. With me, I know that I have the time to do the things that I have lined up for my goals, but I don’t usually get them done.
It’s discouraging.
It’s discouraging thinking about the fact that you haven’t brought yourself to listen to what you know is better for you in the long run. Why are us humans so flawed like this? Or is it the fact that I stake my flaws in the nature of humanity that is the problem? I don’t know. Probably a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
I’m so afraid of judgement; I’m so afraid of embarrassment. I let these things restrain me. Just yesterday, I was with my friends at a MUN conference–a youth competition event–and during some downtime instead of talking around, I pulled out my reading assignment for English. I needed that reading time if I was to go finish the rest of my assignment.
Everyone said “yo stop being so locked in.” Was it because they wanted to hang out with me? Or was it because me locking in made them feel bad about them not locking in? I don’t know.
But what matters is that them saying that made me want to stop. I was doing what was best for me, and I was pressured to stop.
Some people online would tell me that these people are so fake; they’d tell me that I got to cut them out of my life if they don’t align with my goals. Maybe that’s true. Or at least, the people that I spend the most time with should support me–push me to become better.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while. A lot of the people that I hang around with have honestly pretty fked up lives. Their sleep schedules are terrible. They might be addicted to video games. They may have little to no drive for life. I’m not saying this as a superior by the way. I have my fair share of problems, or more accurately a lot of problems. What it is though, is that these people aren’t really lifting me up.
What should I do about it? Probably start seeing them less, focus on myself.
I don’t have it all planned out yet, but one thing that I can say is that this was pretty therapeutic man. It’s a lot faster than writing out a journal too. I guess maybe it’s dangerous, but there’s a bit of accountability in the fact that maybe someone will read this. Probably not, but maybe.
Okay, till tomorrow. I promise.
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