“If you had fun then that’s what mattered”
I guess they’re kind of right. But I don’t think that means that I should just dismiss feelings of sadness if I did have fun during the process. I think they’re valuable. At least in some way. Sadness always comes for a reason, and usually there’s something to be gleaned from that.
Today, I disappointed myself with how I did on USNCO nationals. I’m kind of sad. I prepared a lot, but in the moment I fumbled and panicked. I didn’t do my best. I wish that I could do it again–prove that I really do know the stuff, that I can do better. But I can’t.
One thing that I’m sad about is that USNCO is “over.” I can’t really justify to myself to study more chem when I “should” be doing other things that are more important in this modern world: I need to focus on things that’ll help my college applications. This is a pressure that everyone feels. I guess now, that means USNCO is something that I do “for fun”; it’s a thing that I do would do in my free time. That’s what I would do, go relax and study some ochem. Honestly though, it was really fun.
I don’t want to just stop feeling sad or block everything out or maybe just distract myself though. What I really feel right now is the urge to do something, like something meaningful. I don’t want to just grind for an AP exam, like I want to do something that’s going to DO something. Something good, something useful. Something purposeful. Lots of somethings here right.
I guess it’s weird to say that after grinding for a few months I just have an urge to work more, but that’s how it is.
One thing that I wish for right now is for me to be able to go back one year. Because if I could, I would start studying right now. I would study and grind for a whole year. I regret the time that I wasted, the hours that I spent on Youtube, thinking I had enough time. All those hours that I deposited on ultimately meaningless things. Why so dumb? That’s all I can say.
Well for now, I promise to myself that whenever I feel like postponing what I want to do, I’ll think of this moment-a moment where I wish I had every minute, every second back. I’m not going to let this “I regret not locking in earlier” happen again. If I really want to do something, I should just go and start now because if I don’t I’ll look back and wish I started. I should spend my time doing the things that are meaningful, that give me purpose. That’s the end of procrastination for me. Procrastinating is the silent, actually not silent, assassination of my dreams. And I’m the hiree.
So, now, I’m going to take my time and pursue things that are meaningful. I’m not going to put off things because the time that I have is limited. Really. It is so limited. The absolute time to start is now. Every other time is worse, much worse. The consideration of choosing another time is the worst. Love your dreams and take them. Starting rise 66 days now.
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